Reading time: 2.5 mins

I keep wanting to put myself in the character of a girl who is really loved. That’s why sometimes my brain likes to imagine scenes of a girl dissing me and before I can give it to her right back tenfold BOOM! A guy is defending me. Ovie gently removing India from the drama in Love Island Season 5 anyone? Yeah, the kind of stuff that makes evening Twitter swoon, that’s the wave my brain is on sometimes. I want to play the role of that girl who is really loved and cherished.*

As I’ve gotten a bit older I’ve tried to shake what feels like Hollywood propaganda from my head. You should be able to love and defend yourself! And to some extent, I do and can. Over time I think a lot of people get comfortable with themselves and maybe not all but some insecurities just fall away. But even with that, my head keeps bringing me back to this character, to that girl.

It seems like I really want to be her, even as I grow and change.

The funny thing is - I am already that girl. I always have been.

God already really loves me and is ready to defend and protect me in a heartbeat. He will claim me publicly even on my worst days, let alone my best.

All those signals I'm looking for, signs of affection and being wanted, God fires them all at me. And I’ll be real, I’ve spent A LOT of time not feeling it.

II think of God’s love as a box in my room. It’s beautiful and the stuff is spilling out, making a mess, the box can barely hold it. But because it's there every day and I busily walk past it all the time, I forget to actually see it. So it becomes part of the unseen furniture in my life like the picture frames on the floor that I still haven’t gotten round to hanging. Meanwhile, I stay busy doing things including looking for that love elsewhere.

Thank you God that I am already the girl I want to be.

Give me the faith to believe how much you love me.

*By the way I completely believe you can be loved and cherished and still be strong, brave and have agency. Loved does not have to equal wet wipe.